Help for the struggling helpmate
Written by Sarah Clayton and shared at the most recent "Ladies' TEA".....
Writing about this topic has actually exposed the depth of my struggle even more. Every time I’d make some progress with this lesson, the Lord would put it to test in my heart – and I’d see how hard it was to apply these truths day in and day out. I am so thankful though that this lesson has been preaching to me and that God is using His truth to get into the nooks and crannies of my heart and sin.
When the Word of God is brought to bear upon our lives, we see how far we fall short and the wonderful result is that it pushes us to Christ, just as we’re told it would do as our tutor. It has pushed me closer to Christ, because I see how weak, unable and sinful I am. And then I get to experience His goodness, power and help all over again!
So, I want us to consider two things as helpmates:
1) Why we struggle
2) How we overcome
WHY WE STRUGGLE:
I don’t need to tell you that being a helpmate is hard. You probably figured that out a long time ago! If it were easy, we wouldn’t need lessons like this. It is hard because we are sinners. And if our husbands are saved, they’ll readily admit we’re married to sinners as well. And for most of us, we have little waist-high sinners turning our homes upside down each day. That’s a lot of fallen flesh under one roof!
We are sinners who fight against the flesh everyday. Our flesh grows weary of doing good, our flesh wants control over everything, our flesh is impatient, lazy, hateful, selfish, prideful and many other unflattering adjectives. Being a helpmate is hard because when we’re failing at it, we feel so discouraged and beat down. And then when we’re succeeding at it, we’re tempted to become puffed up and condescending and start keeping score like Martha.
The struggle is hard and pervasive. And by struggle, I mean the overall fight to labor with joy and to faithfully expend ourselves for the sake of our families and God’s glory. And within that struggle we are painfully aware of how difficult it is to continually put others’ interests, specifically our husbands’, above our own.
Daily we are faced with choices that either put our interest above or below our husbands’. I can’t speak for you, but my flesh usually wants to have things my way. It rears its ugly head everyday and tells me I deserve to be first. It tells me I’ll get around to honoring my husband’s wishes and needs when I can fit them in. It tells me I’m justified in my irritability, harsh treatment, and cold-shoulders when my toes get stepped on or I’ve had a bad day. And when my flesh wins, I taste the bitter effects of my sin. My home and marriage suffers, my conscience is burdened and I mope about in discouragement.
It is plain to see in even a short time why being a helpmate is so hard. But my prayer is that it is even plainer to see how we overcome these struggles and experience great encouragement from the Lord.
HOW WE OVERCOME
The good news is regardless of our struggles or how we feel, God in His wisdom and love has placed us in this role. He promises in His Word to help us fulfill our duties. He has given us all that we need in Christ Jesus. He is faithful EVEN when we’re not and will not forsake us. He does not want us to go through each day with a yoke of discouragement around our necks. He has promised us victory in Christ.
And to Christ is exactly where we must go when we find ourselves struggling to please God with our lives and labor. We have to go back to the great doctrines of our salvation. Galatians 2:20, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” That needs to be in my kitchen somewhere and the laundry room, and my van, and the grocery store… and this verse too -- Matthew 10:39, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
While I am losing it at home, I need to be losing my former self-centered, self-sufficient life! We must remember we can do NOTHING apart from Christ. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing (John 15:5).”
So a wife must start here – with first things first – living in submission to Christ and treasuring all that He is to her and for her. It is only with our eyes on Christ and focusing on our life in Him that we will be the helpmate and mother God intends. We cannot, as much as we try, love our husbands, raise our children and keep our homes with our focus on them. We will crash and burn every time. If we don’t get this right, and I know because I often fail, we will find ourselves in a puddle of self-pity and frustration every day – and we’ll drag our husbands and children down, too.
The longer I’m married and the older I get, the more I realize it’s going to be a lifelong battle to die to myself and live to Christ – by constantly looking to, relying on and worshiping Him each day. It is impossible to please God and be the helpmate He’s called me to be if I am continually relying on myself or even others to give me what only Christ can. Only Christ can deliver me from a self-focused heart to a heart like His own – which came to serve and not be served. A self-centered mind, set on the flesh, does not delight in thinking more highly of others or putting their needs first. And a mind that is set on the flesh constantly exalts itself. It is the anti-thesis of the mind of Christ.
We glory in Christ’s humility and rejoice in Him emptying Himself on our behalf – but our flesh wants no part of that when it comes to itself. That’s the epitome of our depravity. We’re ok with someone making the ultimate sacrifice for us – but for heaven’s sake don’t expect me to do the same in return!
It reminds me of the parable of the man who was shown much kindness and forgiven much and then without an ounce of compassion he violently pursues compensation from the man who owed him little. We are horrified by this and rightly so. We think, how can he turn around and do that after such kindness and mercy was shown to him! But if we’re not careful we can become a living illustration of this parable when we joyfully and freely receive all that Christ has done for us and then shun His commands and example by living a self-centered life.
So a wife must start here – with first things first – living in submission to Christ and treasuring all that He is to her and for her. And as wives, our immediate second must be submitting to our husbands as to the Lord. Another verse we all know, Ephesians 5:22-24, which says -- “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Ephesians 5:24 is no easy task to perform but it is God’s command: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Our spirit is willing but our flesh is weak. We want God to bless our homes and marriages. But can you imagine the Lord blessing a church that refuses to submit to Him? Such a church would lack the sweet presence of Christ and God’s favor and anointing. Can you imagine blessing your own child who constantly defied your authority? It puts it in perspective for me!
Our spirits are willing to do this and will even delight in it! But why do we find ourselves falling flat so often in this endeavor? We forget the beginning of the verse, which says, “AS TO THE LORD.” We cannot submit to our husbands in everything by focusing on our husbands. Our submission cannot be based on our husbands’ worthiness, but Christ’s alone. Your submission to your husband, as to the Lord, can only be done “in Christ” and “through Christ.” As God’s appointed helpmate to our husbands, we must draw on who we are in Christ and all that He’s done for us in order to obey this command. The Bible also tells us to respect and love our husbands along with obeying them. The Bible gives no preconditions for these commands. It can’t be based on whether or not he’s saying or doing the right things that day. No husband is perfect, just like we aren’t, we know that. He’s got the same flesh and spirit struggles going on. If we attach any preconditions to our submission, respect and love – we will not obey these commands or be God-honoring helpmates and His hand of blessing will not be upon our marriages or homes.
And when we get to thinking our command is too hard, it helps to remember there is no more difficult role for mankind than the God-ordained role for the husband. It should drive us to pray for our husbands even more. Ephesians 5:25-27, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.”
His job is equally impossible if he attempts to do it based on our worthiness or how well we’re loving or serving him. That motivation runs dry real quick! Only the love of Christ can compel us to live a life like His and love unconditionally like Him.
The enemy also goes to great lengths to keep our eyes off Christ. Even if it means clouding our vision with good, Godly intentions – such as serving our families and the church. Danger resides in strictly keeping our focus on those things. Eventually our flesh creeps in and we crave appreciation and recognition from those we serve. Roots of bitterness and resentment take hold when that doesn’t happen. The flesh wins and relationships suffer along with our testimony in Christ.
When we are diligent to keep our eyes on Christ, doing everything unto Him and not men, we stay out of those pitfalls. We are free to love and serve Christ and point others to Him while we joyfully expend ourselves for His name’s sake. That is exactly what Satan wants to prevent at all costs – joyful Christians displaying Christ’s love!
We must be feeding on His Word each day to keep our focus on Christ. There is too much at stake to neglect it. Our task is too big, our calling too high, and our obedience is too important to keep looking to ourselves and even the performance of others for strength and motivation.
As you study the Bible, you will find constant encouragement to focus on Christ and all that He’s done for you. One such verse is Ephesians 4:32, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another – out of the sheer goodness of your heart? – no way! It says, “even as God in Christ forgave you.” Of all the people we can practice the “one-anothers” on, our husbands, whom we are one flesh with, should rank first!!
Many of us are familiar with Romans 8:5, which says, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.” Paul goes on to say in vs. 8, “Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” And ultimately, our lives are about pleasing God. He is worthy of it! He is the One who sent His Son to rescue us from eternal damnation and make us joint-heirs with Him for eternity.
Writing about this topic has actually exposed the depth of my struggle even more. Every time I’d make some progress with this lesson, the Lord would put it to test in my heart – and I’d see how hard it was to apply these truths day in and day out. I am so thankful though that this lesson has been preaching to me and that God is using His truth to get into the nooks and crannies of my heart and sin.
When the Word of God is brought to bear upon our lives, we see how far we fall short and the wonderful result is that it pushes us to Christ, just as we’re told it would do as our tutor. It has pushed me closer to Christ, because I see how weak, unable and sinful I am. And then I get to experience His goodness, power and help all over again!
So, I want us to consider two things as helpmates:
1) Why we struggle
2) How we overcome
WHY WE STRUGGLE:
I don’t need to tell you that being a helpmate is hard. You probably figured that out a long time ago! If it were easy, we wouldn’t need lessons like this. It is hard because we are sinners. And if our husbands are saved, they’ll readily admit we’re married to sinners as well. And for most of us, we have little waist-high sinners turning our homes upside down each day. That’s a lot of fallen flesh under one roof!
We are sinners who fight against the flesh everyday. Our flesh grows weary of doing good, our flesh wants control over everything, our flesh is impatient, lazy, hateful, selfish, prideful and many other unflattering adjectives. Being a helpmate is hard because when we’re failing at it, we feel so discouraged and beat down. And then when we’re succeeding at it, we’re tempted to become puffed up and condescending and start keeping score like Martha.
The struggle is hard and pervasive. And by struggle, I mean the overall fight to labor with joy and to faithfully expend ourselves for the sake of our families and God’s glory. And within that struggle we are painfully aware of how difficult it is to continually put others’ interests, specifically our husbands’, above our own.
Daily we are faced with choices that either put our interest above or below our husbands’. I can’t speak for you, but my flesh usually wants to have things my way. It rears its ugly head everyday and tells me I deserve to be first. It tells me I’ll get around to honoring my husband’s wishes and needs when I can fit them in. It tells me I’m justified in my irritability, harsh treatment, and cold-shoulders when my toes get stepped on or I’ve had a bad day. And when my flesh wins, I taste the bitter effects of my sin. My home and marriage suffers, my conscience is burdened and I mope about in discouragement.
It is plain to see in even a short time why being a helpmate is so hard. But my prayer is that it is even plainer to see how we overcome these struggles and experience great encouragement from the Lord.
HOW WE OVERCOME
The good news is regardless of our struggles or how we feel, God in His wisdom and love has placed us in this role. He promises in His Word to help us fulfill our duties. He has given us all that we need in Christ Jesus. He is faithful EVEN when we’re not and will not forsake us. He does not want us to go through each day with a yoke of discouragement around our necks. He has promised us victory in Christ.
And to Christ is exactly where we must go when we find ourselves struggling to please God with our lives and labor. We have to go back to the great doctrines of our salvation. Galatians 2:20, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” That needs to be in my kitchen somewhere and the laundry room, and my van, and the grocery store… and this verse too -- Matthew 10:39, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
While I am losing it at home, I need to be losing my former self-centered, self-sufficient life! We must remember we can do NOTHING apart from Christ. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing (John 15:5).”
So a wife must start here – with first things first – living in submission to Christ and treasuring all that He is to her and for her. It is only with our eyes on Christ and focusing on our life in Him that we will be the helpmate and mother God intends. We cannot, as much as we try, love our husbands, raise our children and keep our homes with our focus on them. We will crash and burn every time. If we don’t get this right, and I know because I often fail, we will find ourselves in a puddle of self-pity and frustration every day – and we’ll drag our husbands and children down, too.
The longer I’m married and the older I get, the more I realize it’s going to be a lifelong battle to die to myself and live to Christ – by constantly looking to, relying on and worshiping Him each day. It is impossible to please God and be the helpmate He’s called me to be if I am continually relying on myself or even others to give me what only Christ can. Only Christ can deliver me from a self-focused heart to a heart like His own – which came to serve and not be served. A self-centered mind, set on the flesh, does not delight in thinking more highly of others or putting their needs first. And a mind that is set on the flesh constantly exalts itself. It is the anti-thesis of the mind of Christ.
We glory in Christ’s humility and rejoice in Him emptying Himself on our behalf – but our flesh wants no part of that when it comes to itself. That’s the epitome of our depravity. We’re ok with someone making the ultimate sacrifice for us – but for heaven’s sake don’t expect me to do the same in return!
It reminds me of the parable of the man who was shown much kindness and forgiven much and then without an ounce of compassion he violently pursues compensation from the man who owed him little. We are horrified by this and rightly so. We think, how can he turn around and do that after such kindness and mercy was shown to him! But if we’re not careful we can become a living illustration of this parable when we joyfully and freely receive all that Christ has done for us and then shun His commands and example by living a self-centered life.
So a wife must start here – with first things first – living in submission to Christ and treasuring all that He is to her and for her. And as wives, our immediate second must be submitting to our husbands as to the Lord. Another verse we all know, Ephesians 5:22-24, which says -- “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Ephesians 5:24 is no easy task to perform but it is God’s command: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Our spirit is willing but our flesh is weak. We want God to bless our homes and marriages. But can you imagine the Lord blessing a church that refuses to submit to Him? Such a church would lack the sweet presence of Christ and God’s favor and anointing. Can you imagine blessing your own child who constantly defied your authority? It puts it in perspective for me!
Our spirits are willing to do this and will even delight in it! But why do we find ourselves falling flat so often in this endeavor? We forget the beginning of the verse, which says, “AS TO THE LORD.” We cannot submit to our husbands in everything by focusing on our husbands. Our submission cannot be based on our husbands’ worthiness, but Christ’s alone. Your submission to your husband, as to the Lord, can only be done “in Christ” and “through Christ.” As God’s appointed helpmate to our husbands, we must draw on who we are in Christ and all that He’s done for us in order to obey this command. The Bible also tells us to respect and love our husbands along with obeying them. The Bible gives no preconditions for these commands. It can’t be based on whether or not he’s saying or doing the right things that day. No husband is perfect, just like we aren’t, we know that. He’s got the same flesh and spirit struggles going on. If we attach any preconditions to our submission, respect and love – we will not obey these commands or be God-honoring helpmates and His hand of blessing will not be upon our marriages or homes.
And when we get to thinking our command is too hard, it helps to remember there is no more difficult role for mankind than the God-ordained role for the husband. It should drive us to pray for our husbands even more. Ephesians 5:25-27, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.”
His job is equally impossible if he attempts to do it based on our worthiness or how well we’re loving or serving him. That motivation runs dry real quick! Only the love of Christ can compel us to live a life like His and love unconditionally like Him.
The enemy also goes to great lengths to keep our eyes off Christ. Even if it means clouding our vision with good, Godly intentions – such as serving our families and the church. Danger resides in strictly keeping our focus on those things. Eventually our flesh creeps in and we crave appreciation and recognition from those we serve. Roots of bitterness and resentment take hold when that doesn’t happen. The flesh wins and relationships suffer along with our testimony in Christ.
When we are diligent to keep our eyes on Christ, doing everything unto Him and not men, we stay out of those pitfalls. We are free to love and serve Christ and point others to Him while we joyfully expend ourselves for His name’s sake. That is exactly what Satan wants to prevent at all costs – joyful Christians displaying Christ’s love!
We must be feeding on His Word each day to keep our focus on Christ. There is too much at stake to neglect it. Our task is too big, our calling too high, and our obedience is too important to keep looking to ourselves and even the performance of others for strength and motivation.
As you study the Bible, you will find constant encouragement to focus on Christ and all that He’s done for you. One such verse is Ephesians 4:32, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another – out of the sheer goodness of your heart? – no way! It says, “even as God in Christ forgave you.” Of all the people we can practice the “one-anothers” on, our husbands, whom we are one flesh with, should rank first!!
Many of us are familiar with Romans 8:5, which says, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.” Paul goes on to say in vs. 8, “Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” And ultimately, our lives are about pleasing God. He is worthy of it! He is the One who sent His Son to rescue us from eternal damnation and make us joint-heirs with Him for eternity.
