Over the past 10 years, we have become very educated on terrorism and the United States' response to it. Our country takes a strong stance against such enemies. We do not negotiate with our enemies. The reason our country holds to a “non-negotiating” policy is because we recognize that terrorists will never be satisfied with our principles but instead will seek to fulfill their own desires at any cost.

Now, before you quit reading because you think I called your child a terrorist, I want to be clear that in no way do I wish to carry this illustration too far. I simply want to identify a similar principle in the way we run our country and the way we must run our homes.

It is the United States' policy to never negotiate with terrorists. And yet it is a common occurrence for us to negotiate with our children in our homes. I want to ask you to consider this question: As parents, do we negotiate with our children hoping they will respond with respectful compliance?

Let's imagine for a moment that God negotiated His law to us like we do within the family structure. His laws might sound something like this:

Do not commit adultery, okay?
Do not have any other gods before me, alright?
Honor your father and mother, sound good?

Yes, it is humorous to think this way because we know God does not ask us if we are okay with His laws. He commands us and expects us to obey....period. If our parenting is to reflect God, why do we so often as parents negotiate with our children?

When you give your child a command or a task to accomplish and end the sentence with, okay?, you are teaching your child that they are on the same level as you and you want to make sure that they are in agreement with what you desire. The reality is they are NOT in agreement with your desires! The Bible says that our heart is desperately wicked and your children will seek their own desires before seeking yours, or more importantly God’s. Instead, you should give your children a command or a task to teach them submission to authority, discipline to their duties and self-control to their own desires.

When you give your children a task, let's say, to go upstairs and put their laundry away, it is wise to require a response from them. When they are young you might say, "Go upstairs and put your laundry away. Do you understand?" This subtle but important distinction in phrasing is to establish at least two things: You want to know that they comprehend the task being asked of them. And secondly, this question creates accountability to the command you have required. Asking this eliminates the excuse "I didn't hear you" because you know they have. When they are older, you do not have to ask if they understand, because you know they do. But you should still require a response, which would be appropriate as "yes ma'am or yes sir".

Comprehension and compliance - this is what we establish when we ask for a response from our children. It is beneficial to our children when we require a response from them.

When God gives us His law, He does not ask us if we accept it. Instead, He establishes the absolute authority of His law, and then discerns whether we comprehend it and if we will submit to it. We must do this for our children so that in time, as they transition to a greater understanding of God and His Law, they will easily and readily submit to Him with understanding and submission.

Don’t ask your children if your parenting is “okay”. By doing so, you essentially make them the parent. Teach them to humble their hearts to God’s authority in their lives and you will protect them from many dangers both now and in their future.

The goal of parenting is not morality but regeneration. Morality does not give us new birth but rather new birth will produce morality. Therefore, our goal is to not have obedient, well-mannered children but to cultivate hearts that are fertile grounds for hearing the gospel. That is why we spend so much time talking about shepherding a child's heart.

Matt. 12:34 - "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks."
Matt. 15:18-19 - "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander."

The child's behavior is just a manifestation of what's going on in the heart. Parents often times make the mistake of trying to change the behavior or the circumstances. Changing these things is not training in God's righteousness but instead training in self-righteousness. They fail to realize that this behavior, in whatever circumstance they're in, begins in the child's heart and that is what needs to be addressed.

Once you understand and acknowledge the heart issues in your child, then you are ready to sow the seeds of the gospel. And sowing these seeds should be a daily occurrence. When the gospel changes your child's heart, godly behavior will follow.

There are plenty of opportunities to share the gospel with your children but one of the most opportune times is during times of discipline. Discipline reveals the heart of a child. As a Christian parent, if you don't incorporate the gospel into your discipline, then you are likely to have grown, unredeemed moral children. For it is often the means of Christian parenting, training and discipline that God uses to bring about regeneration in the lives of our children.

Every time you discipline it is an opportunity to teach, correct and reinforce the gospel. During the discipline process, reveal their sinful heart (naming the specific sin), their separation from God, His consequences for sin and His provision for grace.

Let's consider this for a moment: Gal. 3:24 "The law was our schoolmaster (guardian) until Christ came..." Establishing a standard is the starting point of the gospel. God established a standard in the Garden of Eden to show man what he needed to do in order to be right with God. This standard revealed man's heart and his inadequacies to Christ and immediately man tried to fix the issue himself (moralism).

As parents, if we don't establish a standard, we are provoking our children to anger. And further more, if we are soft or inconsistent to the standards we have established, those standards are of no use; it would be better to not have any. You are teaching your children about God, no doubt, when you are parenting. However, what about God are you teaching them? If your children see you being soft or inconsistent to your established standards, what do you think they will think about God? That He is soft and inconsistent and they will mistake His patience and longsuffering as a tolerance of sin. And you have condemned your children with this kind of parenting.

How does God expect us to obey His commands? Does He give us a warning over and over again? Does He count to five before the consequence? Neither should we. We are to reflect God in our parenting, especially in disciplining. We are always training. Even if you ignore the behavior, you are training your children that the rules aren't really important.

In parenting, we are preparing to give our children over to God (ex: Hannah and Samuel). What we have established in our children is how they will respond to God. If we have tolerated rivalry, talking back, non-submissiveness and competitiveness to our authority, that is how they will respond to God. And He will hold us accountable for our training.

John 14:15 - "If you love me you will keep my commandments." This is our motivation.
We express our love for God through obedience. We must train our children to do the same: obedience to us (parents) is obedience to God. Love should guide our discipline. God disciplines us because He loves us, likewise, we should tell our children that we discipline them because we love them.

John 1:12-13 "But to all who did receive Him, who believed His name, He gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God." We cannot give our children new life, they cannot earn it, they cannot buy it. Therefore, we, as parents, must rely solely on God to breath new life into their dead sinful hearts. Humility is what is needed for new birth. You are humbled when you are not thinking high of yourself. It is our job to make the ground fertile by teaching and practicing humility to our children. How do we do this?

Incorporate scripture into everything, not just discipline. Seize every opportunity God gives as a way to show your children His power, His justice, His grace.

Here are some examples of how we use Scripture with our children:
Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind one to another” – we used this a lot when they were little and were arguing and fighting with each other.
Psalm 19:1 “The heavens declare the glory of God” – God uses creation to show Himself and we often walk right by not seeing Him. Use creation to show your children who God is.
Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath” – I must use this for myself, when I am feeling impatient and answering my children with harsh words.
Psalm 118:24 “This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” You can find me on most mornings waking up my children with this verse.

May God give you wisdom to discern your child's heart, diligence to discipline them and opportunities to seize for the sake of the Gospel.

It's right about this time of year that parents see the manifestation of ungratefulness in their children in full force. We live in a society that saturates us with all that we don't have. And children have less self-control and wisdom in these areas than we do, for the most part.

Ungratefulness will show itself in various ways, but one specific way is with complaining and whining. Some parents ignore this behavior or shrug it off as "just what children do". Parents, do not allow this to be acceptable behavior that you think will go away with age. You must train your children now how to be grateful and teach them that complaining and whining is ungratefulness and that you will not accept this kind of behavior. Once you have taught this, you can reinforce it through consequences when they do it again.

During these times, don't just give out the consequences but also use the time to train them in seeing how much they have to be grateful for. Remind them of the person who cooked the dinner they complained about (usually mom) and how hurtful it is to complain about a dinner that took much time and effort to prepare. Remind them of the importance of doing chores and how it teaches us responsibility and helps mom and dad with maintaining the home.

Some preschool-age children, if they are the youngest sibling, may find whining as their constant companion. Sometimes it's due to being left out, not getting a turn or not getting enough attention. Let's face it.....the youngest sibling often times get the leftovers in attention. However, none of these are acceptable reasons for allowing the child to form a habit of whining. And it will be a habit that stays with them but it will manifest itself in different ways. Let there be consequences for this age as well.

Overall, I encourage you to focus on gratefulness this Christmas season. For without the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we have nothing to be grateful for. It starts here and ends at the cross. Blessings to you this Christmas!

One of the greatest things we can do for our children is teach them to have convictions, Biblical convictions. Having a standard will shape our thinking. As Christians, God’s Word is our standard. Even our unbelieving children have a conscience that has an unspoken standard. We must continually train them to make God’s Word their standard.

In Philippians 1:27, Paul encourages us to “stand firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, not frightened in anything by your opponents.” We must teach our children to live by principles, not preferences. The world lives by conveniences, not convictions and our children will naturally follow this direction.

Somewhere between David and Goliath and standing on their own two feet, young people are falling away. That is because they developed habits to please mom & dad but never created their own convictions. If we are only teaching our children to please us with their actions as long as they are in our care, there will come a day when out from under our care, they will choose to please themselves. Therefore, they will live based upon conveniences and preferences. “Train up a child in the way he should go” is training them to think according to the Bible, according to Biblical convictions. “And when they are old they will not depart from” these convictions because you took the time to teach them the difference.